Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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