i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
