first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
