I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
