I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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