the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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