Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
