Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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