the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
