First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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