Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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