you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
