what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
