I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
