He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
