dude i'm inner monologue high
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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