oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My ass is underappreciated
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
