If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
