It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
