Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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