highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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