The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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