My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
