So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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