what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
