It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
