I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
