The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
