anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
