I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
