So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
