i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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