He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I think my moral compass just broke
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