i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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