I want to walk on stilts...naked
just tell him i said nine months
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
