Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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