I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
