My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
