I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
