She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So much Jack, so little girl.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
