here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
only if we run a train.
done.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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