i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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