She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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