Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
