DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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