That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
