My Higher Power is John Stamos
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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