Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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