I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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