even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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