I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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